старая зануда (froken_bock) wrote,
старая зануда
froken_bock

Change of ownership




To: The people of America.
From: The United Kingdom

In the light of your failure to elect a human as President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. (ahem, see??). The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Ed inburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with the correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You
will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It
will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
will understand what we mean.

10. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

11. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even
French, they are Belgian. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real
chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

12. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will
be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

13. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is
not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer",
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Donkey Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Donkey Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

14. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

15.Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with
you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

HMG

*****

источник неизвестен - мне прислали
Tags: languages, lol
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